Dear Mark Walsh

Beloved Ferabubbles,

I’m sorry it took me so long to answer your question.  I strive for accuracy, and so I had to watch, re-watch, and double-re-watch Dawn of the Dead to make sure my count was accurate.  The final tally is: one hundred thirty eight and a half uses of the word ‘zombie’ (the half being a guy who started to scream it then got ripped apart by zombies).

I hope that this dispels some of your bewilderment.  Thank you for your excellent question, and for keeping in mind that I am here to provide useless trivia about mediocre films so that you don’t have to Google it.

With Longing,

Mark Walsh

Dear DirrtyJJ,

Having found out such a thing exists after an exhausting search that took more than 8 seconds, I have perused the document in question.  The only shocking thing here, to me, is “WOW Brazil” — it’s not particularly shocking that they are localizing content for an untapped market, but that Brazil was the market they chose to tap.  Why not WOW Isle of Man, or WOW International Space Station?

Cataclysm is their big release for the big quarter this year, Diablo 3 is the big release for the big quarter next year; this is sensible.  What makes no sense is how they are going to sucker me into buying Diablo 3 and two expansion packs.  I can already feel my resistance dwindling, and the familiar Blizzard-induced wallet vacuum rearing its majestic head.

It gives me pleasure to see the last WoW expansion lined up with the “Titan” project, which I assume is either Blizzard’s relocation into deep space, or the huge MMO they have been strategically whispering about.  If it is the latter, I foresee a population of stragglers desperately clinging to their cheevies and vanity pets in a dying world, while all those who played WoW for fun transition into the next definitive entry into the MMO genre.  These hangers-on will form a subcaste of society, building an churning micro-economy in digital space which will, in theoretical yuan, outproduce the whole of China’s formidable agrarian capacity.

Ecstatic at the Thought of You,

Mark Walsh

Anonymous asked: Will There Be Cake? -Lunatitch

Dearest Lunatitch,
The matter of cake is a complex one. Your insightful and pioneering question posits all of existence — to ask whether there will be cake, we must first ask whether there will BE. If we allow ourselves to hypothesize being, we find ourselves faced with a slew of questions of the metaphysical; the most important is, of course, ‘what is cake?’

There are many answers to this: a sort of layered sweetbread; a treat for special occasions; another step on the road to diabetes; a hilarious projectile. The possible explanations of cake are innumerable, but the one that is most important in answering your question is that ancient (yes, ancient) truism: the cake is a lie.

If we have already posited existence, we must have also supposed lies; reality is an inherently dishonest plane. So, Lunatitch, will there be lies? Absolutely, and if there are enough lies, which there are, at least a few of them are bound to be cake.

Sincerest Congratulations,
Mark Walsh